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[05 Sep 2004|02:49pm] |
i never update, so marion's doing it for me.
friday was mine and marion's 6month anniversary thing. that was neat.
i work at best buy now at park meadow's. come see me.
we went to rodizio grill last night and it was awesome and so is marion.
marion is a stupid name.
i'm on myspace now, go find me. my email's gringonoe@hotmail.com
peace out fools
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[20 Jul 2004|01:47am] |
well, tahiti is beautiful this time of year. wish u were all here. i met a coconut farmer today and he told me that coconour farming is a lot like meeting yourself for the very first time. i didnt know what he was talking about but i agreed anyways. my clothes smell of fish from the fish factory ive been working in. the seagulls wont leave me alone. its terribly hot and even sitting naked on a block of ice wont cool me down. i know cuz i tried it.
well i hope to see u soon, but i dont know when the embassy will be able to get me a new passport. theres a civil war here that theyre dealing with. until then, i am standing here and u r way over there.
sincerely, el segundo manzana.
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[29 Jun 2004|07:19pm] |
im at home right now. thats my home or my old home. i was invited for dinner tonight. smoked turkey was delicious. nothing like a good home cooked meal. the word home has come up a lot in the past few sentences. could it be my longing for one? that i miss my old one? or that now i am my own home and it scares me? i would like to think the last is true, but im not sure if it is. this is what i wanted and its still what i want but i really just couldnt imagine how many comforts i would miss. but a lack of comfort will be good for me, it will show me what im really lacking and what i truly need.
i cant believe what freedom feels like. i cant believe what ive missed out on. the other night i had a 5 hour conversation with patrick that would have ended 3 hours earlier if i still lived at home and had to be back by 12. this was probly the best talk ive ever had with anyone. ande best part was that i barely had to talk, patrick can carry on a conversation with himself pretty easily, but when u give him just a little encouragement he will go for miles. and he did, and i feel so much better about just about everything afterwards. i wish i could have tape recorded it cuz it was damn good. u will just have to take my word for it.
yea so rocky was radiculous last night. afterwards me, aj and jeremy went to 16th street mall and i introduced them to climbing on top of buildings. we all agreed spiderman has the coolest life of any superhero.
ive been hanging out with a lot of people i havent seen much of and it makes me very happy. joey and hans and all those kids r the coolest most party til u die kids ever. when our group of friends and their group of friends hang out it is so crazy fun. and i got to hang out with dana a couple times and chelsea too. i can just feel goodness and love surging from dana and it makes me feel good and im pretty sure the whole room can feel it. chelsea is an awesome drunk, entertainment for everyone. and her and marion r gonna make out and i get to watch.
which brings me to marion. she gets back tomorrow and this has had to have been the longest 3 weeks i have ever been through in my entire life. with no doubt in my mind i am sure of this. i cant wait to see what its like when she gets back because even though she been gone i think our relationship has progressed more than all the time weve been together, im sure its because she was gone. i have now said words to her that i have never told any girl. except this one time in fifth grade with this one girl, but that doesnt count cuz she said it first and i was just a young lad. i will make sure im never away from her for more than a few hours from now on.
so far moving out has been one of the best things that could have happened to me. i just feel so different from before. like my energy is focused less on worrying and brooding over stupid shit and more of my time is occupied by just living. views and ideas that were planted in my head are now losing their roots and im finally seeing what the world really is. i cant explain it well at all, things r just different.
bring on the good times
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[22 Jun 2004|04:28pm] |
florida was really sweet. me and dom did a lot of fun shit. no doy. now im back and my time has come.
i have a box packed full of my clothes. i keep seeing it and it reminds of what im in store for. the summer is gonna be laid back and not too stressful. im staying at tomas's for a few weeks. i dont know where i will stay the rest of the time but im not worried i know there will be somewhere.
i am so excited but im also feeling stuff i never imagined i would feel. i have dreamed of this day for years. im scared, and worried and stressed and sad to see the way my parents r reacting to this. i feel sick to my stomach almost. i dont know how im going to be able to pay rent, food and everything else i need every month. i am killing myself worrying about it. i just want to feel some security or guarantee even though i know theres none to be had. i also want my parents to be happier with me or something. i just dont want to see that im such a huge disappointment in their eyes. well i know i cant tell other people what to see with their eyes.
ok im not even gonna get started on how much i miss marion. i guess its kind of one of those good bad feelings though. cuz i wouldnt be so torn apart if i didnt care so incredibly much. im kind of just now realizing what she is to me.
what i need is a few good dreams. i had a couple last night, in one i was ramping a car off of highway exits and it was sweet.
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| i miss my baby |
[18 Jun 2004|12:37pm] |
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ok marion the number u gave me didnt work. so i suppose i will be needing the right number and that would mean u have to check this and i dont know if u will do that. this sucks. never leave ever again.
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[17 Jun 2004|10:01pm] |
im in florida. today i caught a catfish. me and dom almost got a dog when we were at this giant fireworks warehouse, but his dorms told him no pets were allowed. ive seen lots of rednecks, lots of crazy cajuns and a lot of the country.
the drive was long, we stayed outside of gainesville texas the first night and then in baton rouge, louisiana the second night. i had no idea there was so many different places to see in this country.
marion i tried to call today and i had to go through all this shit, but in the end the phone card wouldnt work to call germany on a payphone, im trying all day tomorrow, definitely around 3 maybe early in the morning and then in the afternoon. just wait by the phone all day if u see this and dont leave it.
plans for the rest of the trip include lighting fireworks off all over the beach, going to the beach lots, and umm straight chillin.
i will be back. i have lots of really good friends in colorado and i miss them all.
right beofre i left my dad told me how wrong my life was again. it put a huge downer on the trip which is what im sure he wanted to do. i know i dont believe all the same things he does or act in the way that he considers to be right, but isnt there some chance i could be doing something right? he doesnt seem to think so. according to him my path will lead nowhere. its a good thing i know differently but the fact that my dad thinks so little of me and everything i do and all the friends i love just really sucks.
im leaving my home as soon as i get back
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[13 Jun 2004|04:01pm] |
well chumps and chumpettes, it looks like im gettting out of this place for about a week. im going to florida WITH DOM. this trip is destined for extreme insanity and radness to the max. when i come back i will probly have like at least 27 really really awesome stories to tell u. cuz this one time me and dom went on a mission trip to the bahamas and that was like the sweetest thing ever, but this trip is about half the time except theres no supervision so mayhem is the law. were driving through texas and louisiana and all that dirty south instead of the way through the midwest.
sadly when i return it will be by myself. because i plan on losing dom somewhere around alabama. these jerks better watch out for the greatest mc's ever comin through their territory and kickin faces.
so for about a week i should be doing all right on the whole missing marion so much it hurts to shuffle a few steps. then i will come back and i will miss her again and dom will be added to the list. this is actually what its like to see ur friends grow up and go off to college. it was awesome while it lasted.
tell everyone i love that i love them and tell the rest i thought they were o.k. i will return
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[10 Jun 2004|05:52pm] |
i hate human evolution for giving people these stupid useless things called wisdom teeth. how the hell am i supposed to survive eating mashed potatoes and smoothies and soup? i need meat hear me? meat!!!! someone will feel my wrath.
so marion i decided i will try to post every day if i can so u can know whats going on here since im all alone now.
yesterday i hung out with aj dwight and cobos. we were at ajs for awhile, then we went to eels. then we went driving around and did what we do. then we went to bryan rogers house for his birthday party and ate some kebobs, very good. oh i wish i could have one now. then we went to nigels and that was cool as usual. kevin and kyle came and everyone cool. neil was making fun of kenny for being so scene and i told him how u called him out on that and he said it was awesome. then i went home. i had one of my kinda weird days yesterday and i realized how much u help me through those days.
and today i got my wisdom teeth out and ive been sleeping all day and now watching the simpsons.
i already miss u too much
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[08 Jun 2004|06:25pm] |
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dont let marion leave me. 3 weeks without her and i might just get the bends. im gonna need my friends to try and replace her by cuddling with me and buying me stuff. but no one can replace her. fuckin shitting balls out of my dickhole.
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[04 Jun 2004|03:03pm] |
i have a GRADUATION PARTY TOMORRY, THATS SATURDAY, FROM 3-6. come if u love ibc rootbeer, giant sub sandwiches and balloons. and dont forget to bring me a present to celebrate my graduation. i dont care if i didnt give u one. the door charge will be $5 if u dont bring a present.
summer is starting to hit me finally. it was probly playing football and hacking all day yesterday.
sunday is senior celebration day or whatever at my church. it will probably be one of the last times i ever go there. i love all the people there and want to keep them all as friends, i probably need to try harder though. i hope they understand that its not them i dont want to be a part of its just the church.
i get my wisdom teeth out on thurs. then i leave for florida with dom on mon. the 14th. it is gonna be so disgustingly awesome. i really hate to see dom go. best friends like him only come around once so i will miss him greatly while hes in school.
i plan on moving out when i get back from florida on the 20th. i will most likely live with tomas or maybe kevin. i feel so insecure about the whole thing, but living in this house has only been bearable for the past few months because my parents know im leaving.
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[30 May 2004|11:53pm] |
there are these times that come sometimes where i feel like im missing something. something very important. i start to feel anxious, then worried, and finally empty. and theres a few steps in between and i dont know what words to use for them.
i wish i could understand myself.
i dont feel like this very often, if at all, when im with marion. or my friends usually, but i know its always there. i want to deal with this but i dont know how.
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| cancun and the hereafter |
[30 May 2004|10:00am] |
if u dont know i was in cancun for the past few days. it was wicked and be prepared cuz i am gonna tell u all about it. i missed my graduation ceremony to go and im really glad i did cuz sitting for hours and hours waiting to hear my name get called is not what i would call fun. this ones probly gonna be pretty long so for those of u with short attention spans or better things to do just go amuse urself with a ball of yarn.
weds: airport, plane. i like flying a lot i hate waiting in airports. good thing i brought a select stock of cds and my book on lucid creaming which i still havent finished and i need to renew. zoom, and then in cancun. took a bus to our hotel. it was a five star all inclusive joint and i have never felt so rich. drinks at the bar were free, buffets all day with corona taps next to the soda fountain. and in the rooms was a mini bar that was also free. the mini bar included 4 coronas a bunch of pop and water and 4 liter bottles of alcohol. tequila, vodka, whisky and rum. so that night i got a few drinks at the bar and then went up to my room and snuck in like 4 shots and then wen down to dinner with my family feeling real good. then i got a mai tai and a corona with dinner and i was feelin real good. it was so awesome being drunk around my family especially when they had no idea. they all were giving me tips on proper alcohol responsibility and stuff and they actually thought that i had never been drunk before and i dont know if they ever though ive touched alcohol.
then we went to the market and i heckled my ass off with those mexicans. none of those fuckers were gonna sucker me. i got a starfish candle for marion, some apple pop, and a bubbler/mini bong for me.
thurs: i woke up with this morning wood that would not go away. my fmaily was waiting for me and telling me to get up, but i couldnt tell them that i was just waiting for my extremely stiff erection to go down. so i sat and waited and it still wasnt going down. i began to think i might have to live with a perma-stiffy for the rest of my life. that would be terrible i would be a freak, an outcast from the unbonered society. but luckily it finally went away.
snorkeling adventure. it was way awesome we were taken to some private beach and we went snorkeling in all this coral. cancun is home to part of the worlds second largest reef dontcha know. yea that was radastrous. i saw lots of fish and a baracuda and neat coral. then we came home and everyone had really bad sunburns on our backs and calves. painful. i was very tired so i went to my room, gotta moderately drunk and wrote and listened to rocky. rocky votolato has never sounded as good to me as he did that night. just plain amazing. and i think mostly because of him i definitely decided that i cant have just a normal workforce job for the rest of my life. -id rather die than be
a whore for an empty living.
fri: i went scuba diving with my brothers. i cant even begin to describe how amazing of an experience it was. it was my first dive since i got certified my freshman year at aurora reservoir so it was kinda scary especially because the first dive we took was to 80 feet. but i didnt freak out or get the bends. there was a big sunken ship and we swam around it and there were cool fish and manta rays, soo cool.
then the next dive was like 40 feet around coral and there were more fish and lots of colorful shit and amazingness. my words dont do it justice.
then we came back to the hotel, went to the bar and i got like 5 drinks and didnt feel anything except slightly queasy from getting a full stomach on alcoholic beverages on an empty stomach. me and my brothers went back to the market and were offered lots of drugs and ladies. so we got a few of each and took them back to the hotel. then we went to sleep knowing that in the morning we would be leaving.
in the middle of the night i was woken up by a soft noise. i looked up and two mexican bandits had broken into our room and were stealing our wallets. i looked around for some sort of weapon, luckily i still had the bottle of tequila that i had fallen asleep with in my hands. i got up quietly while their backs were turned and broke the bottle over ones head. he was out cold, the other one turned and looked at me in disbelief. i says" que vas a hacer punto?" (what are u gonna do, bitch?) he tried to run but he didnt get past the broken bottle that i stabbed into his thieving mexican face. and thats how i saved cinco de mayo.
i had lots of dreams that night, they were all mostly about getting home and calling everyone and talking to marion. some of them were slighlty lucid but i dont remember much what with the bandits waking me up.
sat: plane and airports and more waiting than i could stand. but i finally got home and finally called marion and i cant believe how hard just 3 days was without her.
i have to go to work now. a double of bussing, im gonna be fucking tired. i will do a follow up post when i get home cuz this one was just not quite long enough.
much love to all ma niggas
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| awesome x10,000 |
[23 May 2004|04:22pm] |
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you never realize how good uve got it until ur driving in ur car, theres an awesome chick sitting next to u in these cute little laced undies, smoking a cigarette and taking down notes on the random ideas that pop into ur head. its enough to make me wanna dance dance dance.
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| i have a disease called assholeitis |
[19 May 2004|01:11pm] |
i really let myself forget the kind of person i used to be. the kind of asshole and jerk i was to people. on saturday i had a few reminders.
first i went to marions one act and her director turns out to be stefan treco. i had to have made this kids life a living hell in elementary school. i called him gay and that sort of stuff and i even got called down to the principals office and his mom almost pressed charges on me. of course i was too scared to apologize to him in person so marion did it for me, but i felt like such a dick.
then i had this little edge reunion. for those of u who dont know edge was a program in middle school for all the smart kids. we had our own classes and were isolated from the normal kids and for this reason everyone hated us and made fun of us. even cobos used to call me an edgy. but at this party i was again reminded of how egotistical, shallow, and just plain assholeish i used to be. there was this girl there that i made so much fun of that she actually switched middle schools to get away from me and my friends making fun of her. and there was this one kid i made freak out cuz i did something that i cant remember to him, but he threw somehting at me and cussed and got kicked out of that class forever. and thats not even that half of it if anyone knew the horrors i have done i would be put into one of those things that ur arms and ur head go in and u just stand there humiliated.
lets not forget freshman and sophomore year when me and my friends favorite pasttime was driving through neighborhoods throwing cups of yogurt, eggs, pop, half a chipotle burrito, or whatever else we could find at people walking. i got so much joy out of that at the time. so much pleasure out of ruining someones night. is that person still inside me?
so now as a direct result of all that shit i think i am being paid back.maybe thats why now i doubt everything about myslef and i doubt everything good in the world. i have no confidence because i was a monster once. sometimes laughter feels like a noise i make in my throat and not an uncontrolled happy outburst, are those the ghosts of my past?
i have no doubt that i am not that person anymore but i think i still feel the effects of everything ive done sometimes. i wish everyone knew how sorry i am.
on a side note i need places to live this summer. i promise i wont strangle u in ur sleep or diarhea on ur floor. tell me if i can crash at ur domicile for a week or so or even a day or two.
also i need a good paying job, i am not serving anymore cuz i screwed up too much so now im hosting and maybe bussing. if anyone knows of jobs that pay more than 8 or 9 an hour tell me.
love always and forever.
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[11 May 2004|09:41pm] |
i "woke up", went to the bathroom, it felt like every other day. then i looked in the mirror and my hair was long. wait my hair isnt long, this has to be a dream. i did a state check by trying to read the writing on something. i read it, looked away, and when i looked back the writing was gone. i realize i am definitely in a dream. what do i do now? i went back to my room. there was a motorcycle there, how convenient. i dont know how to ride a motorcycle, i thought of this, but i figured its a dream i can do it anyways. so it kind of worked but it was pretty awkard but i made it up the stairs.
my familys up there, i want to go outside and fly. i walk outside, it looks cold so i think to grab something warm, but remember theres no cold in dreams. so i walk outside and theres snow on the ground and its bright and clear. i take my first try at flying and the most i can do is levitate for a few seconds. my dad comes out and asks me how i can do that. i say "cuz im dreaming!" then 2 dudes walk by. one looks like tyler morses dad and the other is like a little 10 year old that is smoking a cigarette.
i ask them how to fly. the older one says its different for everyone u just have to learn for urself. the kid says the same thing but he says it like a total jerk, and it made me laugh. i laughed cuz the kid was just like me, an unnecessary jerk. so i took the kids cigarette from him and flew into the air so he couldnt get it back. hey, im flying.
i go up into the air and its amazing, the air and the white from the snow. i want to fly higher so i go higher and higher. i go so high that the world turns dark like night and i can see every star. i am flying towards the mountains. its the best view ive ever seen, but then i say to myself that the only information i am being fed is visual, i cant feel the breeze from flying blowing my hair and my face and i can feel the vertigo or the leaping feeling in my stomach. then i lose lucidity and return back to the original dream i "woke up" in and then i wake up for reals.
i think this may be the best dream ive ever had
stabs and killings,
stabkill
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[10 May 2004|09:44am] |
ok dom this is the first verse of our rap. its gonna basically be about how gangsta we r and all the hoes we slap, all the guns we shoot and all the drugs we do. so its more or less just about us. but we both need real cool rap names. for u i thought of: del dom, the duke of diss, the damascan human trash can. or u can come up with one and i need one too.
too many bitches, too many bustas that weve got to kill
and theres always too many drugs for us to get our fill
its a stressful occupation that of total badassinization
its hard being the baddest of the bad of the total population
thats the last shovel of dirt to cover up her skirt
i liked her its too bad she got spaghettios on my shirt
lets leave before i get any more blood on my feet
dom say im hungry lets go get something to eat
for us this means that were rolling up on taco bell
going in with guns to put out that beaner smell
i let dom take care of the workers and the patrons so
i could get the food and the register- lets go
no one left alive to witness our victory
thats how it goes if u cross our path to us ur just scenery
with my belly and my pockets full i lick my lips
time to go downtown to check up on all my tricks
this one hoe she owes me, she cried and tried to barter
i said shut up and slapped her i dont care if ur my daughter
i dont like getting angry i dont like it when im pissed
but its hard when im a stabkillin, stabinatin, stabinometrist
and maybe the chorus could be like: bitches, guns, knives, and drugs thats how we do thats how we do
ok its ur turn
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[09 May 2004|06:48pm] |
to the moon and back again
by hanging upside down
I walk like a spider my webs
are the clouds
click and snap a camera is a branch
a pan through tree trunks then
a full tilt to the curtained roof
hold out your cup and just say when
the bending of the prairie grass
its noises seen and not heard
you make them God's great hand or
demons crouching low, edges blurred
theres a twinkle on the water
and a searchlight from below
only a reflection of my perceptions
is how misconceptions grow
enclosed by an arsenal of alarm clocks
we're cut off but still free
I will refuse to know the limits
while accepting that even an eagle has its boundary
I'm coming back with a funnel, a juicer, and a straw
I'm gonna bleed the pulp and concentrate
this feeling into a potion
for all passivity this will compensate
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[09 May 2004|11:30am] |
"what if i told you that youre a lovely gal and id adore you if youd just show me how" rxb qotd
with how yesterday started out i didnt think there was any way it could possibly be anywhere near as good as it was.
it started out with marion crying because she was feeling shitty, mostly because of stuff i had said to her the night before. i should never try to be a counselor or anything cuz i say almost everyhting in a mean way that i dont even mean to do. but i guess everything was good after that. i hate being responsible for pain. at least nonphysical pain.
jumped on jeremys tramp. its weird how objects like that can send me back in time like they do. i jumped and i was 15 again, it was a summer afternoon and there was nothing but bus trips to goodwill, dumpster diving behind right aid, and general shit to fuck up. now we are all smoking cigarettes, too out of breath to jump for long. the way things change.
the night was composed of sitting at the coffee house for like an hour or more. marion getting mad at everything i do even though she wasnt really mad. me farting in front of her to test if i was comfortable with it or not. test conclusion: slightly comfortable, give it time. this all comes from an idea i had a while ago about farting and love and the relationshop thereof.
then sitting at sagebrush park. i missed hanging out at parks beacause it was too cold. marion u r definitely getting a lot better. thank thank thank u. the rest of the night we sat in my car at taco bell mostly and it was all right except i wasnt enough fun for marion so she almost went to sleep so she could shut me out. ouch. but i made her wake up.
missing part in the nights story. somewhere around 11 or 11:30. all i know is it lasted for 10 golden minutes.
after prom at dave and busters. awesome star wars game, some food, drunk kevin, k, and marion. i cant stay up past 10.
too much fun.
i wish i had a video tape of the past four years so i could watch it and compare it to right now and the way things are headed.
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[08 May 2004|02:58pm] |
"you can say you cant accept it, you dont think its all right, well i dont care cuz ill listen to metal all night" rxb qotd
thursday:school, then work, i mightve hung out with marion for a little. sorry i cant remember maybe that was the day we went to sonic and i had a boobie session. i took a nap but didnt remember my dreams. in fact i havent been remembering much of any of my dreams for this whole week. ok so then later that night i went to nigels to hang out with the dudes. jeremys birthday was the next day so we decided to do something really cool. it was me, cobos, dwight, jeremy and we went and picked up patty cakes. me and patty cakes were undrunk the others, very drunk. cobos was saying stuff about making every day a memory and i wholeheartedly agreed with him, i just wish this kind of topic would come up at sober times as well. so we decided to make that night a memory. parked the car in tighler johnsons neighborhood and took a walk into cherry creek reservoir. it was just plain awesome. my friends, the moon, the stars, the trees, a whole new way of seeing things. not to mention about 4 or 5 bowls. how can i ever feel sadness when i have memories like that to live off of?
friday:worked in the morning. picked up marion after school so we could turn in the registration for my schools prom. who invented prom and who made it the biggest deal since since the oj trials? whatever im going, if that doesnt show i care nothing does. so right when we pulled up to the school kevy and max were there and we went to cherry creek mall with them to pick up kevys check. there marion bought a lot of shit she doesnt need including a mr.t in your pocket and reeses chapstick for me. booyah girlfriend with a money spending problem. oh and speaking of booyah she also bought me a booyah pin. how much luckier could a guy get? so we sat in the massage chairs for a while, i swear i will own one of those someday. walked around the mall, then i saw my cousin monica that i havent seen for a while. i miss her and chase and darron. i hate this family shit that got in the way.
that night: nigels house. when r they gonna stop having parties? its like a palooza. i wanted to get drunk so i started drinking, but it just made me feel sick. i dont know if it was the alcohol or my mind messing with me or both, but it sucked and i dont think i will ever drink again. marion was pretty shitfaced and she found a new girlfriend which was chelsea and im totally cool with that, i just wish they wouldve made out or something, but theres still time... mwa ha ha. dom and arthur came down, very exciting. they r so funny now that they started smoking alot of weed. like completely different people. the good news is they dont run around breaking windows and assaulting people with eggs, and thats also the bad news too. then i took marion home and we had a really hard talk that i still kind of feel bad about, but it needed to happen. dont interpret it as me being mad or thinking u arent everything i need, i just want you to lose your fear and i need u to see it wont just disappear, but i think u got that.
prepare for the summer of stabkills revenge!!!
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